Your title. My poem. My title. Your poem.

Old Titles

Here are the chapters and poem titles from Barstool Poetry (The Early Years: 1992-2000):


cleavage, lovely cleavage
i should be wearing a condom when you look at me that way
blowjob on a stick
rotator hips
ode to duplicity
my muse on all fours
drinking in a bar, mistaking her smile for nymphomaniacal exuberance
different shade of blue
my man, my hand
oh shit she’s hot!
cooter blandhand: the great pussy famine —1994-1996
nuclear eye contact
why am i friends with HER?


l.a. — life or dogshit
unquestionably questionable
men +/-
another delicate balance
paisley pubic lice
the digestive block
burning ice cubes
the grass is definitely greener over here
match me — gone for wand
quality of life
where will I go from here
a lost generation of cheekbones
spirit departed


just please the fleas
role reversal
pompous prisoners prevail
happiness is…
why am i still  charger fan?
four eyes beat two
the military is…
to screw or not to screw
dirty diapers
if you can’t be good, be quick
who the hell knows…


poop on a dim sum
the geese fly high in miami
bricks filled with shit
my scrotum is a walnut
worthless girth
too big for linda
jim rock the master jock
women lilting sodomous rhyme
remembering my sixth
apeshit demon nights
cats in the dradle
jim smithers & friends
my life as a fluffer


cheap, horny, sex-laden lads
groove me, smooth me
puss in boots
vulva, smulva
the launch
oh mona lisa, mona lisa
raising doughnuts
sincronycity in flight!
my sweet, sweet timi
aroma in a coma
red rover red rover
tiffany dingus
the curse of them walls or my neighbor has better sex than i


my partner’s new pooch
score a blonde
illustrious dirt
the ocean
bob and women
predilection for erection
expressive i browse
my heart belongs to melvin
but you said you were having your period last week, too, honey
exposed black bra strap
innate sense of something
two pelham east
mind says yes


the stacked barback
tramp stooler
cheese ‘n peanuts
tracy’s image pondered
who’s in charge?
danger song
barstool blunder
ode to a barfly
what a scene
what’s left at last call…
what a crowd
big fucking ashtray


after the cuervo, the lime fell down her cleavage
never waste good alcohol
tequila lust
thematic urine
carrot juice cathy
strong beer, lust here
this guy on my right
don’t pressure me
detox on the rocks
karoke bitch
apple of my ear
the wet spot
my mom made me eggs for breakfast


drew barrymore’s inner darkness
judge ito on a half-shell
rodman kicked my balls
mr. jenkins — enough already
olympic football
predictably limp
i am one chic fuckin’ wannabe cigar trend-sucker
look dude —
lubricative qualities
it’s tough being a kennedy
song of the ‘bago
clipper cleavage
neon deion, the peon


hickies leave me breathless
preppy hell in topsiders & toilet bowls
people are full of shit
canibus lecter
darn you
ode to an alcoholic roommate
disco is….
one pelham east
waiting for the other shoe
forensic foreplay
spasmotic bowels!


eat the peanuts out of my shit
a toast to my toenails!
my least favorite martian
heft my heffer higher
eat shit, man woonus
daddy loved dada
my grandmother was great
basil anus
i saw you on the corner w/that big blond…
two-fisted lover
we’ve got snoopage!
up your anus, brainus mcveinus
wet spots on my side again


tawdry camel toes
the confused coxswain
choo-choo rodriguez
classroom rubberband fight: the blinding of lewis binderfax
diddle in the middle
her tongue was in 3 mouths
alien comedians
santa whore
neon noodle dick
sexual hairassessment
she can’t write poems
take your rose & blow!
what’s up with THAT?!


my girl’s a shooter
no dough yet
50-year-old virgin
a cunning linguist
the heart insufficient
time is slow
trees ‘n lips
why do I work here?
wonder bra beauty
failed loser
karaoke virgin
nebulous meaning of roasted weenies
where do i go from here